excerpt from some stupid thing i wrote in japan.

A few days ago when I was having a chat with my boyfriend, he jokingly teased me about my chubbiness and about how different I look with and without make-up, which have been the two aspects of my appearance I’ve been most sensitive and self-conscious about. When I told this to my best friend, she was very angry with what my boyfriend said, and assured me that I am nowhere near fat and that I look beautiful with or without make-up. At this point, I realized that after hearing these two very different comments, one from my boyfriend who was probably just playing around, and the other one from my female best friend who is truly concerned about me, my mind instantly concluded that the things my best friend said were all lies, and I just continued to be even more self-conscious about my appearance “flaws”. One reason that has brought me to think this way is my fashion guru brother’s constant naggings and criticism about my appearance almost every single day growing up, especially about the two aspects aforementioned. (Even now when we don’t live together, the first thing he would ask me in an occasional phone call is, “So did you lose weight yet?”) I later learned that this kind of “excessive” concern about one’s own appearance is in fact a disorder, and is too common among young individuals who are not even aware of it. This is called Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), a psychological “disorder characterized by a severe preoccupation with a perceived defect in one’s appearance.”1 “Those diagnosed with BDD are preoccupied with an imagined [or minor physical defect] that others often cannot see. People with this disorder often see themselves as ‘ugly’ and often avoid social exposure to others or turn to plastic surgery to attempt to improve their appearance.”2

My brother has previously suffered from bulimia, which I believe, although not medically considered to be a type of BDD, has many similar characteristics to it. The difference is that, bulimia and other eating disorders result in the patient looking overly underweight, even skeletal, because of their need to keep losing weight. On the other hand, those with BDD may not be as noticeable physically. They tend to camouflage out of a deep sense of shame and a desire to prevent further embarrassment by exposing their “defect” to others.3 Some clues include frequent mirror checking, excessive grooming, face picking, reassurance asking, and other behaviors. What is frightening to me is that all these behaviors have become daily procedures in most young women’s lives in our society.

tally up!

1. Do you often check your appearance in mirrors or other reflecting surfaces, such as windows? Or do you frequently check your appearance without using a mirror, by looking directly at the disliked body part?

2. Do you avoid mirrors because you dislike how you look?

3. Do you frequently compare yourself to others and often think that you look worse than they do?

4. Do you often ask -- or want to ask -- others whether you look okay, or whether you look as good as other people?

5. Do you try to convince other people that there's something wrong with how you look, but they consider the problem nonexistent or minimal?

6. Do you spend a lot of time grooming -- for example, combing or arranging your hair, tweezing or cutting your hair, applying makeup, or shaving? Do you spend too much time getting ready in the morning, or do you groom yourself frequently during the day? Do others complain that you spend too much time in the bathroom?

7. Do you pick your skin, popping pimples or trying to get rid of blackheads or blemishes, because you're trying to make it look better?

8. Do you try to cover or hide parts of your body with a hat, clothing, makeup, sunglasses, your hair, your hand, or other things? Is it hard to be around other people when you haven't done these things?

9. Do you often change your clothes, trying to find an outfit that covers or improves disliked aspects of your appearance? Do you take a long time selecting your outfit for the day, trying to find one that makes you look better?

10. Do you try to hide certain aspects of your appearance by maintaining a certain body position -- for example, turning your face away from others? Do you feel uncomfortable if you can't be in your preferred positions?

11. Do you think that other people take special notice of you in a negative way because of how you look? For example, when you walk down the street, do you think others are noticing what's unattractive about you?

12. Do you think that other people are thinking negative thoughts about you or making fun of you because of how you look? Are you "paranoid" because of this?

13. Is it hard for you to leave your house, or have you actually been housebound, because of how you look?

14. Do you frequently measure parts of your body, hoping to find they're as small as, as large as, or as symmetrical as you'd like?

15. Do you spend a lot of time looking for information or reading about your appearance problems in the hope that you'll reassure yourself about how you look or find a solution to your problem?

16. Have you wanted to get cosmetic surgery, dermatologic treatment, or other medical treatment to fix your appearance when other people (for example, friends or doctors) have told you such treatment isn't necessary? Have surgeons been reluctant to do cosmetic surgery, saying the defect is too minor or they're afraid you won't be pleased with the results?

17. Have you had cosmetic surgery or dermatologic treatment and been disappointed with the results? Or have you had multiple surgeries, hoping that with the next procedure your appearance problems will finally be fixed?

18. Do you work out excessively to improve your appearance?

19. Do you diet, even though others tell you it isn't necessary?

20. Do you avoid having your picture taken because you think you look so bad?

21. Are you late for things because you worry you don't look okay or because you're trying to fix an appearance problem?

22. Do you get depressed or anxious because of how you look?

23. Have you felt that life wasn't worth living because of your appearance?

24. Do you get very frustrated or angry because of how you look?

25. Does it take you longer to do things because you're distracted by appearance worries or related behaviours such as mirror checking?

26. Do you feel more comfortable going out at night, or sitting in a dark part of a room, because your defects will be less visible?

27. Do you have panic attacks or get very anxious when you look in the mirror because of how you look?

_______________________________________

i do have the rest of this thing, if you just so (for some reason) happen to want to read it.

oh and, i answered yes to 21 / 27 of the questions.